It seems like I can’t start a blog post without mentioning the weather. It’s been a strange combination of rain and sun, like the sky just went through a breakup and is alternating between debilitating depression and sheer joy of what possibilities lie ahead. I’ve never experienced a true spring, but I think this might be it. I’m starting to miss the sun of California a little more now. I’ve been slacking on the blog, feeling unmotivated, discouraged, and uncreative since I started a babysitting gig. I haven’t been enjoying myself the past few weeks, but I’ve managed to gather some images for this Visual Diary… they are one of the easiest and most natural types of posts for me to write.
These pictures show the bipolar nature of the weather over the entire month of May, but I think they also reflect the detachment I’ve been feeling lately. Only one image contains evidence of a human presence, instead focusing on solitary motifs or inaccessible constructions. I’ve been feeling invisible in the world lately, when I’m in the busses and trains, I can just fade into a corner and almost not exist. The foreign conversations around me mean nothing, so that it all becomes white noise; I avoid eye contact in public transportation because supposed cultural rules taught me that looking at a person in the eye can come across as either creepy or flirty; I walk past the same restaurants, shops, and train stations everyday, but I don’t know anyone; I see little windows on buildings bedecked with flowers and wonder who could possibly live there and what their lives could possibly be like, and if they’re happy; I’ve become annoyed with the French people and their way of life; and I wonder why I’m here and no longer really believe that I’m strong or interesting or cool for moving here. Even though I blend into the crowd, looking and acting like a Parisian, I feel more disoriented and alien than ever.
All-in-all, I’m in a rut. I don’t feel that confident in both my abilities or my physical appearance, and in turn, that makes doing normal grown-up things extra hard. I don’t see the point of trying to make friends – I already have the best ones I’ll ever have back in the US, and since I hate the awkwardness of first meeting someone (I’m not very good at it), I’d rather just avoid it altogether.
Maybe I’m just being negative, maybe I need to change my outlook, maybe I’m just really bad at living for the moment, maybe I’m just going through a quarter-life crisis (still). I value honesty, and I hope that anybody who reads this values my openness too.
